I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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