and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
