can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
