why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
