before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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