My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
