how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
