I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
