video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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