a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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