I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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