Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
