Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
And then he peed in my hair
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