we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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