I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
