You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I smell like Dick and happiness
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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