apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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