all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
