I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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