hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
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Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
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He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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