Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
