dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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