Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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