My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
