All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize