There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
