if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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