So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
