Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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