i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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