trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
