I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I am naked and annoyed.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
