Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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