You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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