don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
