Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
