I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
