Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
