i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
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