the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
