I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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