my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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