...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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