i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
