Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
