I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
