If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
