is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
