this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
