she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
The uberlube is also flammable
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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