guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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