I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
