I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
