break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
