Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
