I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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